Friday, July 8, 2011
It's hard as an adult to accept things we don't understand. It was much harder for me as a child of eleven to not comprehend the words "What you don't know can hurt you."
As time passed and I grew older, I came to understand ( a little bit) how that works; told myself, for instance, that knowing not to touch a hot burner would keep me from burning my fingers. What I didn't quite manage to work out was what didn't I know about God that could hurt me?
I'd say the word god out loud sometimes while walking to school, would think about him, when due to the horrific things happening in our home, sleep remained elusive. I'd try to imagine what this god looked like, what his voice would sound like, how it might feel to have his eyes looking into mine. The very thought terrified me. My way of dealing with it was to tell myself that I would be good; would never make bad mistakes, would work hard to not lose my temper, would never speak unkindly or hurt anybody's feelings. The more I thought about what could put me in the fire for being bad- for being sinful, the longer my "Never Do" list grew.